This picture was taken by Pollyanna Porter in 1996.
This past weekend, many thoughts have gone through my head. Some have passed right on by while others have lingered on. The thoughts that have lingered have dealt a lot with the relationships in my life. Thoughts about the ones that have occurred and the ones that have not. Part of me wishes that my heart didn't remember some of these feelings and would just move forward, but for some reason it feels as if I have never found closure, a sense of peace. I think some of that is because I have been pretty hard on myself as to why things have played out the way that they did.
Do we allow our fears to take control too often? I went out with a boy to my senior year Homecoming dance. I was attracted to him and was rather pleased when he held my hand. But something inside of me overtook all sense of logic. I became extremely scared and therefore I pushed him away. Why did I do this? I have no idea. People tell me that just means it wasn't meant to be, but I believe in free agency and feel that sometimes our choices determine what is meant to be and what isn't.
Do you have a choice as to who you are or are not attracted to? I am one of those people who believes it is more important as to who a person is inside, than how they look on the outside. I have never felt that I was shallow, the boy that I liked more than any of the others started out in my opinion as a skinny guy with a bad haircut. But as we became closer I saw so much more to him and he became so attractive to me, beautiful smile and nice eyes. The things that matter are where the attraction lied. And I think that goes the other way too. I had a guy who I know was interested in me insult my weight and it really hurt me. I don't need to worry about criticism from others who are supposed to care. I want to be with people who like me for who I am and not because I look a certain way. I want to feel good about who I am.
I know I am probably over thinking this, but unfortunately various discussions (some started by me, some not) have left my mind reeling. My life is not where I would have originally planned it and sometimes I wonder how my choices, judgments, fears, have made my path a little bit different.
Go Ahead, Share Your Thoughts! .
